woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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