these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's shark week go big or go home
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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