The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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