The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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