he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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