Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
