toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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