its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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