I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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