I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
