If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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