If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
