I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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