your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
