If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
