I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
