He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
