I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
