You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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