somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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