apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
