A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
