Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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