he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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