I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
