if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i believe in u and ur pee
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
