If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
