Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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