i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
even my farts smell like vagina
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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