So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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