the condom got lost in my hair
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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