Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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