Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
