so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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