I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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