i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
