In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
