So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I did not marry a roomba.
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