Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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