I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
