Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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