i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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