Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
high people should be assigned attendants
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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