Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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