this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
