Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
