guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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