So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
