I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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