Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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